A Trip Down Memory Lane, Thinking About 20 Again

It's hard to believe our oldest child turns 20 today. In a week she will be married and we will welcome a son-in-law into our family. Giving our daughter away was the furthest thing from our minds when we received her into our home ten years ago.

The call from the caseworker came early in May, 2010. Three children needed respite care while their foster family went to Disneyland for one week in June. We were scheduled to be certified foster parents by the end of May, just in time to receive this one week placement.

The caseworker was looking for a possible future adoption placement home. Our goal was adoption rather than longtime foster parenting. We were looking to grow our family with older children, because that is who God put on our hearts.

After an unforgettable week together, we had to send the kids back to their foster home. We rapidly contacted the caseworker and pursued a permanent placement, although, we knew it would be a legal-risk placement. This wasn't our original plan, but we knew these kids were meant to be with us.

A legal-risk placement simply means the children were not yet legally free to be adopted. It means there was still a chance, albeit slim, that they could go back to their parents. In the mean time, the parents had every opportunity to fulfill their treatment plan.

A few months later, our kids became legally free. However, what one might think was cause to celebrate, was actually a grievous occasion at the time. There is nothing like witnessing children being separated from their biological parents. It is simply horrifying, no matter what the parents did to bring things to this conclusion.

I was part of our children's goodbye visit. My heart broke with theirs as I felt at a loss. There was absolutely nothing I could do to comfort all the broken hearts around me that day. I wanted to weep right along with my kids when they all piled back into the car. I wanted to scream at someone, "This isn't the way this should go." I wasn't a grief counselor. I had no preparation for this horrific event other than my own life story - which did help a bit.

I was further disturbed when we arrived at a friend's house and our kids started unpacking some of the last items their parents would ever give them. Halloween costumes filled the bags, but I'm not talking about cute characters. There was a mask for a demon and one from the Scream horror movie. A Spider man costume was also included. Our children confirmed that Halloween was their parents favorite holiday. A holiday we never celebrated together as a couple.

It hit me in that moment just how different a life we were showing our children from what they had known. We had changed everything in their world. They seemed to enjoy most of the changes, so we didn't really think much about it until the teenage years came around.

As adolescents though, our children really struggled with what and who to believe. There were a lot of mixed messages around them. From peers to parents to distant family members and social media, the confusion led them to test many waters with us. And to this day, I would say they are still a bit confused. I can't blame them. I remember feeling the same way around their age.

At 20, I was a timid young woman with a fierce need to succeed. I controlled my world by working long hours, studying for college courses, and managing a fast-paced copy center. I was determined not to be poor. I believed the only way this could be accomplished was to work hard and spend nothing. Some might say I was a fun-killer. I was very practical.

At 20, my husband was enjoying life with his toys. He worked hard at an automotive shop and attended classes in the evening. He worked so he could play, and he played hard. I didn't meet him until he was 23, but by that time he had played maybe a little too much and gotten a few too many toys.

My daughter's upcoming wedding can't help me but reminisce about those early days of marriage in our 20s. It wasn't the fairy tale I'd hoped for. I had to adjust to life with another first-born. Did you know putting two first-born people together is the most challenging type of marriage relationship? Can you say strong-willed?

Fortunately, our daughter is the oldest while her fiance is the youngest in his family. I heard that is the best combination to have. There is something about our birth order that helps us in all other relationships throughout life. I'm glad they are starting in an easier place than we did.

It's going to be different knowing our daughter belongs to someone else first. She's not our little girl anymore. She is a strong young woman with lots of dreams. Her bright smile lights up a room and her energy is non-stop. Her fiance seems to be the more practical one, quiet, and reserved at times. They balance each other out.

We are so excited to see how this new couple thrives together. May they know they are loved by their Father in heaven most of all.