Before You Open Your Mouth to an Adoptive Parent

I listened as a woman who wanted to be helpful told me all the reasons why I should not be concerned about my child. At least, I think that is what she was trying to say. I sometimes tune people out when the advice they have to offer is unwarranted and without personal experience in my situation.

It’s hard to believe I used to think like some of these people. Fortunately, my early years of timidity kept me from speaking my thoughts about how people should do things – most of the time. I’m not sure what compelled me to think I knew better about people’s personal situations.

Pride, most likely. Arrogance. Self-prominence.

Please, I beg you, if you aren’t an adoptive parent, or a parent with a difficult child, do not offer unsolicited advice to one who is. If you want to help, shut your mouth and listen. Learn. Pray. Don’t judge. Don’t condemn. Don’t gossip.

And please, oh please, don’t promise my child you can fix his or her predicament. You aren’t God. I’ve been working at helping my child for years and years and years. I’ve put in long hours, cried millions of tears, and been present when countless other individuals caused more damage by saying they were going to fix things. Stop. Please stop.

If you want to help, ask to be on the team first. Share what gift you might offer my child, but then understand that you aren’t the coach. Your role is helper, not parent.

I can’t tell you how many people have come into our lives, and told us if you’d only do it this way or that way, things would get better. Some of them highly-qualified professionals, others with no experience whatsoever.

We once had a therapist call out all sorts of faults on our part, simply based on the child’s portrayal of us. I believe this person had the best intentions in mind, but had never personally parented a child with this level of difficult behavior. Head knowledge is one thing, but living it day in and day out, that is a whole other ball game.

We have received a small number of apologies from people who misjudged our situation. I still remember one from a police officer on one of the most traumatic days of my parenting life. I don’t blame him for the misunderstanding. Prior to adopting, if I saw a child in the condition my child was in that night, I would not have been thinking good things about me either.

So many lessons learned. Let’s not judge people. We can’t see what’s happening behind the scenes. Sometimes we get a glimpse into someone’s life and we do have a legitimate concern about what’s happening, but that case must be approached in all humility, grace, and love. Nothing will be accomplished out of pride and self-promotion.

By the grace of God, I responded to the barrage of comments from the woman with a calm resolve when all I wanted to do was shout, “You have no idea!” I praised her for having a kind and caring heart. I told her I saw her compassionate nature. I thanked her for caring for my child.

Grace. What if we responded to everyone this way?

Please love on a parent in a difficult situation today. Send them a kind note, take them a meal, offer assistance (only if it’s appropriate). Sit with them in their pain. Not many people can do that, but it’s what is needed far more than any “fix-it” solution.