Confusion in a Waiting Room

My heart begins to race as I consider that another individual has intentionally undermined our parental authority. I discuss the matter with the soft-spoken woman sitting behind the desk at our local mental health center. I've been here multiple times and today we were fourteen minutes early for our seventeen-year-old son's appointment. Yesterday, I told him we would see him here. He knows we should be here.

My husband and I waited, as we often did when we did not see our son in the waiting room yet. Our son had been late before so I didn't think anything about the situation. Even when the clock turned past one, I gave him and the woman he stays with the benefit of the doubt. I had asked the front desk how long my son had before he would lose his appointment. They said 1:15, so I texted the woman at 1:08 and asked if they were going to make it to the appointment or if I needed to reschedule. Her response back was that they were already in the appointment and halfway done. This was confusing to me since normally she sat in her car during appointments and I went in with our son. I don't mind her participating. I do mind her not communicating that she's going to, or not making an effort to contact me once they went behind locked doors earlier than expected.

My body is tense now from feeling like someone is intentionally trying to cut us out of the picture. It wouldn't be the first time. We've had family members, lawyers, and residential facilities ignore our parental authority and make decisions without consulting us for insight into a particular situation or even ask about the history of our child. They take the child's word, or the caregiver of only a short period of time, over the words of a parent - one who has been near her child for ten years.

It's no wonder more problems arise as medications are altered or programs changed at the drop of a beat. When you have the blind leading the blind the destination is nowhere.

The desk woman draws me back to reality as she tells me she will message the doctor. I sit down next to my husband and try to calm down. I open my book, but I can't read the words. I'm hurt. I've been stomped on yet another time. At this point, it feels like my son and the woman arrived early just so they might avoid seeing us. I don't know if this is true for sure, but I can't help but wonder as no communication is forthcoming.

We sit in the waiting room until 1:30. The woman comes out from behind the desk to tell us the appointment is finished, but the doctor will see us separately after her next client.

Our son walks out of from behind the locked door with his older friend who he calls "Mom". This obviously confused those who took him back in the first place. He walks over to me and initiates a hug. I'm on guard. Does he feel guilty? Is he trying to hide something?

I can't keep my mouth shut. I ask the woman to just let us know if they go back sooner, that way we know. Her eyes remain downcast as she avoids my gaze. I have no idea what's going on between her and my son, nor do I need to know everything. I've learned I'm here to fulfill a legal responsibility at this point, which I also consider a moral responsibility until my son turns eighteen.

The nurse calls my name and my husband and I part ways with our son and his "Mom".

As I sit in the confined office, my heart starts to slow down. Maybe it was all done out of innocence. Maybe they weren't really trying to avoid us or cut us out of the picture. But if that's true, why did the woman not tell the doctor we were there as soon as I texted her at 1:08? Why did the front desk not allow us back until the appointment was over? We are on the list of approved people to speak with the doctor, while the other woman is not.

The doctor, who knows me, comes into the room about fifteen minutes later. She says her next client is already there so she doesn't have much time.

I get straight to the point. "Our son's appointment was at 1pm. Why was he brought back before 12:45?"

Of course that put the woman on the defense from the start. She gave some excuses and then told us that the woman said we weren't there so the doctor proceeded with business. Never mind that there weren't any signed releases for her to be there.

All we really needed to know was if there were any changes to the meds. We informed the doctor that our son had not been faithful to take his meds regularly so we wanted to be careful about over prescribing. We were also interested in the results of his blood test as his last one had some alarming numbers.

The doctor did not change any meds and she said the results for the blood-work were not in his file yet. And this was her last day so he would be starting over with someone new again.

My frustration mounted. That means our son will be changing doctors for the fourth time in a year. His next appointment had been scheduled by him and the woman for two days after his eighteenth birthday. I couldn't help but feel that was intentional. I don't want to think like this, but when we've been burned as many times as we have been, I can't help but wonder.

As we exited down the long hallway, I didn't know what to feel. Relief that this part of our involvement was over, or loss over the fact that my son doesn't need me. I feel numb.

I wish it didn't have to be this complicated. I wish it was enough that I was listed on my son's birth certificate. I wish I could be the mom that he needs. I wish I were strong enough to handle what may have been a simple misunderstanding. I truly hope it was an innocent slip up. I choose to forgive the mix-up, but just because I do, it doesn't take away the hurt I feel over this incident.

I was looking forward to spending a few minutes with my son. Perhaps that is what hurts most of all. I haven't seen him in a month and this was my opportunity to sit with him if only for thirty minutes in a dingy office. I lost out on that time and I don't know the next time I will get to see him.

While my heart aches, I believe my son's heart aches too. He is confused about who he is and who he should listen to. He's called at least six different women Mom. I believe his current "Mom" is hurting inside too. She thought inviting our son into her home would result in his success. That perhaps she could be the one with whom he truly connects. She's poured at her heart for him, just as I have. Now that the honeymoon is over, reality starts to settle in.

I know that feeling. It's the feeling of "I'm not good enough".

Try as we might, no mother can love her child into feeling loved. A million acts of love may never prove our love to them. Not everyone accepts the love of a parent. I think God knows this best of all. He gave His ONLY Son to be the penalty for our sins so that we may live. But not everyone accepts Jesus' sacrifice. They don't see His actions as loving. They reject Him and turn to their own means to fill the void that exists inside them.

Take courage Mom or Dad. You're not the only ones who have been rejected. Our Savior understands your pain more than anyone else. I choose to rely on Him to heal my broken-heart day after day. Will you?