Letting Go and Letting God

As I consider our departure in only twenty-four days, I am amazed that I am finally in a place where I'm not stressing over every detail like I would have been in the past. My old self would be very anxious about not knowing all the places we will be parked this summer. We have a general idea, and a couple scheduled destinations, but in between the work projects is all up in the air. We could be parked anywhere.

The idea of not having control is not foreign to me. I've learned it well growing up in poverty, raising three kids from foster care, and now selling almost everything we own to embark on a journey that will take us to some unknown destination. My whole life seems to be about losing control and being forced to walk by faith instead. I can't say I've enjoyed the process, but I do enjoy the results.

The first time I really let go of the reins was when I started college. I didn't let go of the reins in every area - just one. After a heart-wrenching, first relationship, high school break up, I decided I didn't need a man in my life until after I was through college. I asked God to help me with this commitment and guide my steps as I pursued a degree.

If you know the Lord, He doesn't work on our terms. My first semester in college a young man approached me and wanted to take me out. He wasn't the only one who asked during this time, but he was the only one I felt prompted to pray about. In fact, I wrestled with God over this decision. I didn't need any distractions as I was moving up in my retail career and earning an education that was supposed to help me someday.

The man was kind. Intriguing and worrisome all at the same time. Four and a half years older than me, I wondered if I could relate to his life experience. He came to class in his uniform, grubby from grease since he worked hard as a mechanic. The only other person I knew who had been a mechanic was my own father, and that relationship didn't go well.

My first response was "no." I needed to focus on schoolwork. My second response was "no". I needed to know this was really what God wanted me to do. My third response was "yes". For some reason, the Lord impressed on my heart that this was going to be okay no matter the results. My human mind thought, "Does that mean for a little while or for life?" I also told myself, "If this man smokes, I'm outta here." He looked like a smoker to me.

What took place after my "yes" response to God can only be described as uniquely ordained for my life. As the months passed, I discovered I already knew some of his extended family through a theatre program in high school. I learned that I was praying for my future husband at the age of fifteen when this man was nineteen and a chain saw came down on his wrists. We found out we both were at Disneyland on the same day in 1989.

God is always working behind the scenes.

Our years growing up gave us compassion for hurting people, which led us to adopt three children. Having both experienced broken homes, we determined we would do everything from the beginning to strengthen our marriage to endure the long haul. It also gave us the empathy to work with kids from traumatic histories.

My controlling nature didn't always sit well with some of the unexpected situations in which we found ourselves. I tried to figure out way too much rather than just sit in the pain, grieve it, and move on. I'm so glad I've finally reached a place of healing today. I've had to let go and let God move over and over in places I can't reach.

I've had to learn that I'm not the Savior. No amount of hard work can transform the heart of my child, change a caseworker's opinion, or fix a broken relationship with a friend. I can't do it. I'm not enough to meet the needs of hurting hearts or relieve broken souls. But I have learned how to point people to the One who can mend their brokenness. Jesus Christ alone.

I've witnessed some pretty terrible events. I've cried out in agony over the condition of our world. I've wondered what the purpose of all our pain and suffering is for. I don't have answers, but I do have hope. I know a God who loves me and wants to hold me when I'm sad. Rejoice with me when I'm glad. And care for me when I'm in need. He sees what I cannot. He knows what I do not.

If I hadn't suffered as a child, I would not be able to connect with my own children over their suffering. If our parents had not divorced, we probably wouldn't have worked so hard on our own marriage up front. If we hadn't moved to a small town six years ago and given up steady jobs, we probably wouldn't have the faith the leave everything now and go on a long road trip of service.

Everything has a reason and serves a good purpose in our lives if we let go and let God use our story to create something beautiful. I know there are some people who may not see our journey as beautiful, but it's not over yet. We're still a work in progress and we may not get that pretty happy ending this side of heaven. In fact, I don't know many that do.

I am going to be thankful every step of the way though. How about you? Are you letting go and letting God work in your life today?