Waves of Grief as Adoptive Parents

NOTE: This article is from an old blog Golden wrote on from 2017 to 2019. It was called Mama Wants an RV. The blog has since expired but the memories remain. Thanks for reading!

Original Post from April 7, 2018

I recently spent the most wonderful week in Washington with my husband. Our waves of grief as adoptive parents were washed away for a short while as we toured Seattle and beyond. Days together playing and sightseeing were just what the doctor ordered.

New scenery, a different setting for meals, and really a whole different world made our challenging lives disappear for the moment.

Grief as Adoptive Parents

Experiencing grief as adoptive parents to three beautiful high needs children has been an unexpected consequence of loving deeply. No one could have prepared me for the enormous sorrow I would experience after pouring out my heart and then having it returned shattered and torn up. Like a love letter crumpled up and tossed in the trash only to be discovered by a nosey neighbor who then catches all the typos and thinks they can help you write a better letter next time.

Unintentional Pain

I don’t believe our kids ever intended on hurting us with their actions and words. I think they are living out the pain in their own hurting hearts and it spews out in angry outbursts, tantrums, and other difficult behaviors. I’ve watched each one attempt a better way. I’ve seen them be kind and thoughtful towards others. However, when a fresh wave of pain pulsates their fragile hearts, they fall back into old habits and patterns. I do the same.

Transferring Grief

Responding to grief as adoptive parents is not easy. Our children’s pain and sorrow eventually becomes our pain and sorrow. We grieve because we didn’t get to watch them accomplish monumental moments, such as their first words, first steps, and first achievements. Early developmental stages are unknown.

Teenage Years

Becoming teenagers has been the hardest part of the journey. Our children struggle with their identity and wonder why they must be so different. They desire to be like us, like their bio-parents, like their peers, and like themselves. Our kids can manifest a different personality each day as conflicting messages get jostled inside a growing hormonal brain.

Set Apart

Breaking away from the crowd has not been a problem for our kids. They already saw themselves as separate, isolated, forlorn, etc. They know they don’t fit into any proper mold. While I know this is very hard on a young adult, I find it to be beautiful. Our sons and daughter have an identity that makes them unique and intriguing. I find myself drawn to their stories of perseverance and determination to survive this cruel world at times.

Strong Kids

Their strength inspires me. Although facing much grief as adoptive parents, we are stronger because of it. Count it all joy, the Bible says, when facing trials of various kinds. For the testing of our faith produces perseverance, and perseverance produces patience, and patience produces faith. My faith has definitely been strengthened through our adoption journey.

If you still experience fresh waves of grief as adoptive parents, know that you aren’t alone. Each day can bring a new perspective on an old memory. Feel free to take your moment, then hunker down and remember the gift we’ve both been given: unconditional love. We ARE loved deeply, and we HAVE loved deeply.

Greater love has no one than to lay down his or her life for another. We have laid down our lives for the sake of our children and it has cost more than we expected. It has also brought us closer to the Father than we expected, which is truly where we need to be.

Be blessed today and always!

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