You're So Wonderful

After about eight or nine years of marriage, we got to a point where we were either going to fight against each other or fight for one another. Our lives were nothing like we imagined. The fairy tale wedding we had did not turn into the fairy tale life.

We received an older sibling group from foster care four years into our marriage. This seemed like the natural order of events. Finish college, get a job, have kids, right?

Well for those of you who have fostered or adopted, you know there's nothing natural about it. In fact, it's a lot like getting married all over again except you aren't on equal playing fields. Consider the old days where fathers sought after good men for their daughters, and in many situations daughters did not get to choose who they married. Except today it's caseworkers looking for the best home available for kids who don't really get a say in where they are placed.

The two parties come together and each has to learn how to accept one another's faults and baggage. Needless to say, it doesn't always work out.

Back to our story. Our older kids were becoming teenagers, pressing every button we didn't know we had. We started to disagree on how to handle different situations. We argued about the right solution for the many problems we were facing. Eventually we became irritated by the others person's idiosyncrasies.

All the sudden a few clothes left on the floor meant she doesn't care about the house. A few dishes left in the sink and he doesn't understand I'm tired. A chair left out of place, a door left open, the thermostat bumped up, the water running too long, a hair brush left out, and whatever other foolish little thing you can think of. They were all getting the best of us.

And they were causing more division between us. The kids started to catch on. Mom does it this way, but Dad does it that way. Mom is okay with clothes sloppy in the drawers, while Dad wants each one folded neatly. Mom provides snacks every time, but Dad says wait. Mom requires punctuality, but Dad doesn't care about the time.

On and on it went. We were being pitted against one another as we responded to the other's method of doing things. We were annoyed. Frustrated. And at our wits end with each other. How were we going to get along again?

I can't tell you exactly how it happened, but one day we both came to this "light-bulb" moment. What if every time we were annoyed with the other we actually said, "You're so wonderful."

Perhaps you're thinking, "Are you crazy? How is that wonderful?"

Let me tell you, we grit our teeth. Our words came out sarcastic and represented what we were still thinking inside our heads, which was more like, "How could you leave your spit in the sink again!"

But then it became a game. I saw something my husband did that annoyed me and the kids watched me closely to see how I would respond. I stared him down, flashed a full set of white teeth, and graciously replied, "You're so wonderful, dear."

With wide eyes the kids starred at Dad. He looked at me with a chuckle in his eyes. "Thank you, dear." He flashed me a smile back while his eyes said, "You are ridiculous." Then for our kids' sake he said, "You're wonderful too."

The kids giggled with delight. "Mom, tickle Dad with your eyes. Tickle him, tickle him," they chanted. It was a game we had played the first year our kids lived with us. Dad knew how to tickle each child with his hands until they were out of breath, but none of them could get him back. Rather than get in a physical exchange with my husband, who I knew was ticklish while I was not, I came up with a way to make him laugh hysterically by simply looking at him.

Our kids didn't understand how it worked, but they sure tried for themselves. I remember our youngest conforming his face into different expressions while his father looked on lightly amused, but not hysterically laughing. Then I would come close and attempt to look into Matt's eyes, but he adamantly avoided my gaze while a smile crept up on his face. It was so out of character for me to play this way.

"Mommy, get him. Get him!"

I moved from side to side, trying to make eye contact. He averted his gaze and rolled his head for as long as he could, but eventually he could not resist the lure of his playful mate. Our eyes met and he ultimately crunched over laughing many times.

"Yay!" The kids shouted.

We couldn't help but hug at this point. Everyone shared big smiles and life felt good and safe again. Of course, more things would come up. Little pet peeves would bother us, but rather than let them wear us down, we chose to let them lift us up. I went around the house every day discovering at least one thing my "wonderful" husband did that annoyed me. I did things that annoyed him too. Each time we encountered these moments, we repeated in our heads, "That wonderful man" or "That wonderful woman".

While the words may have begun coated in sarcasm, they ended up being a blessing. After some time, we really did think the other was wonderful. Truly wonderful.

Today, we say, "I think you're wonderful", all the time. Not just when we are annoyed by each other's actions. In fact, I don't even notice most of the little things that bothered me years ago. My husband is wonderful. He provides for our family. He works hard. He sacrifices. He comes home and works some more around the house. He hides chocolate under my pillow. He plays games with me over and over again so I can win. He loves me tremendously and I feel loved.

Do you know that you are wonderful too? "You're so wonderful!" Live in that. Rest in that. Share it with someone else. Repeat it until you believe it. It might take some time, but I'm telling you it's so worth it. Try it out today and please let me know what happens!